Friday, January 30, 2009

Ice, Ice, Baby

This is a picture of my car right after I got to the hotel in Schenectady after driving through Wednesday's ice storm. By the time I got into town it was pretty much a rolling ice cube, but these are the perils we face to entertain our audiences.

It reminds me of that U.S. Post Office motto, which I just had to look up: "Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat nor gloom of night..."?

Really? "Gloom of night" is in there? How did gloom of night get up there with snow and rain? Was gloom of night a viable threat at one point?

"Attention passengers, our overnight flight to Los Angeles has been cancelled. It's just too gloomy out there."

Heck, we comedians do our best work in the gloom of night. It's our friend. It's that early morning sun that scares us.

P.S. Thanks to the folks at Union College, the show was a ton of fun!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I KNEW it! Obama administration starts with pack of LIES!

So the AP says the music that the quartet played at the inauguration was canned, i.e. pre-recorded. IS THERE NO END TO GOVERNMENT DECEPTION?!?

I knew it. Deep down in my bones. Being a former cellist the first thing I said when I saw the quartet playing at the inauguration was "it's too damned cold to be playing stringed instruments outside." Even if your fingers don't go numb there's no way to keep the dang things in tune.

I once played an outdoor gig in 50 degree weather and could barely knuckle through Johnny B. Goode on the bass, so I knew something was amiss.

But hey, I figured, it's Yo-Yo Ma, he's the most famous cellist of his day. He can do it. He probably has high-tech outdoor climate control technology, keeping his performance area at optimal temperature and humidity levels at all times.

Turns out they used the same technology the Pussy Cat Dolls use in concert, a freakin' record player.

Damn, just when I was finally becoming undisillusioned.

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Monday, January 19, 2009

A Non-Smoker's V-Chip?

I wish there were some way I could explain to my T.V. that I'm not a smoker because I'm getting pretty tired of the escalating grossness of anti-smoking ads.

The most recent offender is an ad in which they snake a video camera down into the lungs of someone with lung cancer, giving us the viewer an up close and personal look at the patient's tumors.

Thanks. I'm trying to enjoy a football game with my friends and now I'm about to hurl into the spinach and avocado dip.

But I'm not, and never have been, a smoker, and I'd like to not put up with this public service overkill. So I'm going to invent a non-smoker's V-chip I can install in my T.V. so when these ads come on I'll get instead ads for Doritos, or beer, or something else that can kill me legally.

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