Saturday, May 27, 2006

I'm going to start smoking

I'm not a smoker, never have been, but I'm getting so annoyed by the anti-smoking commercials on t.v. that I think I'm going to start purely out of spite.

I'm especially annoyed by a recent commercial in which someone takes what is said to be a human aorta and squeezes goo out of it to show that smoking increases the risk of heart disease. I'm not a smoker, why the f&*$ do I need to see this? Why punish the entire population just because some out there choose to risk their health by smoking?

Sure this commercial might get a few people to quit, but I'm sure there are more non-smokers out there like me whose family has a history of heart disease that just get stressed out by it. In fact, this commercial is probably raising my blood pressure to unhealthy levels because now all I can picture in my mind are goo-filled aortas. By trying to save smokers they're endangering those of us who are smart enough never to start.

Crimony, I need a cigarette to calm myself down.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Howdy from Texas

Only two things come from Texas....

My Mom's been living in the Dallas/Fort Worth area since I was in high school so I go to Texas pretty regularly. On this past trip we did the tourist thing and went to the Fort Worth Stock Yards to see their "cattle drive" where six horsemen dressed up as cowboys escort a dozen of the most bored longhorn steer you've ever seen in your life down a couple of blocks of cobblestone street in this Fort Worth historic district.

A highlight of the trip was an evening at Lagrave Field to see the Fort Worth Cats on a night where they honored legendary Brooklyn Dodgers centerfielder Duke Snider, who played for the cats 60 years ago this season. The Duke was there to say a few words and throw out the first pitch on a beautiful 80-degree night that saw the Cats come back to beat the Shreveport Sports in the bottom of the 9th.

What can be better than that, you ask? How about...


That's right, for opening weekend they had a carnival in the parking lot! See, they have way more than two things in Texas.

Good times, great oldies.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Pollen Rehab

Why should only drug addicts get to go on retreats to get away from their problems? My allergies the last couple of weeks have been freakin' horrendous. Just because my problem is thrust on me by the ecosystem and not of my own making doesn't mean I wouldn't like to escape them.

I would love to check in for 30 days each spring to get the hell out of the Northeast and its tree pollen bacchanal. Though if I ever did check into rehab I wouldn't admit it was for pollen, I would still say some sort of addiction, because that would be much cooler.

Unless I get famous. Then it would have to be for exhaustion or dehydration or something.

So, next year April 15 through May 15 look for me at Betty Ford or wherever the cool people are going these days.