Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The War on Reason

Apparently there was a War on Christmas. I hope it turned out o.k. but I’m a little worried. I see Christmas trees lying in the streets and people putting their Christmas decorations in boxes and hiding them away in attics. Is the Christmas Gestapo coming to knock on our doors?

Stand up people! First they came for the candy canes, then they came for the reindeer…*

Some people
are quick to call anything a war. Couldn’t this be a “debate over how to celebrate a religious holiday in a diverse society”?

No, that has far too many words in it, and it doesn’t use the word “war.” War is how certain people define themselves.

I grew up listening to these people, constantly telling me there was some kind of cultural or spiritual war going on somewhere. In ’92 Pat Buchanan told the country there was a religious war going on. I grew up in an Evangelical Christian household** and our entire world view was defined by our belief that there was a war in the spirit world between the forces of good and evil in which our souls were the spoils.

Let me tell you, it’s a lousy way to look at the world. You see the devil everywhere—in music that you don’t like, in politicians you disagree with, in those no good teenagers.

And even in the words, “Happy Holidays.”

GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!! Thou hast taken the form of a Wal-Mart greeter! O, your perniciousness knows no bounds!

Next year I'll be ready, armed to the teeth to defend Christmas. Ready to do unto others before they do unto my way of life. Ready to judge my neighbor as I would never judge myself. I'll bring peace on this earth no matter what it takes.

*This marks the 98 billionth time a holocaust quote was used to hysterically prove point.

** I really did. My grandparents founded the Armenian Evangelical Church of Waukegan, my dad worked with a missionary organization since before I was born, and at age 6 I went with the family to Isreal where I was baptized in the Jordan River. Top that punk-ass O’Reilly!!

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