Sunday, November 06, 2005

How to Help Our President

This is free advice to the pundits, opinion writers, and political blowhards out there who want to help our president. I'm talking to the people that start boycotts of the Dixie Chicks and French wine, the people that come up with gimmicks like Freedom Fries, the people that are paid by the administration to promote the administration. The Bill O'Riellys, the Rush Limbaughs, and the countless other talking heads that promote the conservative agenda.

Your President needs you. He's having a hell of a time, with everyone he knows being indicted and with all of the disasters exposing his appointed buddies as the duds they are. Here's how you can help:

Catch the Bird Flu.

You heard me, go out there and get yourself infected by the Asian Bird Flu.

Your president tried to get the issue on the headlines last week but it didn't work. And it's going to be hard to sell fear of something that hasn't affected Americans yet. It's up to you to bring the fight home.

Rush, you got busted for popping pills and all of a sudden everyone was talking about oxycontin. Imagine the news media's response if you came down with the Black Death of the 21st Century!

O'Rielly, if you were dying of the latest and greatest pandemic virus people will actually listen to you when you call everyone around you a pinhead.

Armstrong Williams, I've got $200,000 here for you if you can get yourself the bird flu.

Come on men, step up. You've been there for the good times, when everyone in the country was on your side. The least you could do is put your immune systems where your disproportionately large mouths are.

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