Friday, April 15, 2005

Where the Freak is my Stapler?

Seriously, where the hell did my stapler go?

I NEED IT RIGHT NOW!!!

I have to staple my W-2 to my 1040 before I can send it in, if I don't find my stapler immediately my taxes will be late!! LATE!!!

O.K. Calm down. It can't be that far from my desk. There's no reason it went to any other part of the apartment, most of my stapling is done right here at my desk. I've not stapled on the couch, nor the bed, nor near my closet...

Holy crap I can't send my forms in unattached!! I'll be in violation of the tax code! They'll audit me!!!

Maybe it's under that pile of 1099's.

SHIT!!

I try so hard during the year, keeping track of all my records, logging all of my road gig mileage, setting aside depreciable items for the section 179 deduction, I even write down with whom I had business dinners should any of my meal receipts come into question. And now all of this hard work is foiled, FOILED I TELL YOU, because I don't have a stapler!

It's a teal green stapler which matches my scissors, I've had it for years. I don't use it that much, the need for a stapler doesn't often arise, but when I have needed it it's done an admirable job.

MOTHER FUDGE!! The FEDS are gonna come down on me so fudging hard!

This is it man, I'm going to join the Amish or something. Make furniture and grow a beard, fudge all of this modern society crap.

MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A HOUSE OF CARDS THAT CAN BE TOPPLED BY ONE MISSING STAPLER!!!!!

Hey Quicken 2004, what good are you to me now!? You've kept track of every cent I made and spent last year but do you know where my stapler is? It's bad enough you couldn't tell me how to calculate that reverse 5-for-1 stock split and subsequent spinoff of AT&T. I had to do that myself, and I DID IT too, all beacuse I wanted the satisfaction of doing my taxes correctly and on time.

AND NOW I'M RUINED!!! RUINED because I don't have my stapler.

Oh wait, there it is.

What a delicate dance our modern world is.

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