Tuesday, March 01, 2005

The Oscar awards they didn't present

Now that the Acadamy Awards are over and all of the anticipation we put into not giving a crap has passed, I'd like to recognize some people and categories that were overlooked this year. Here are some awards I would like to bestow on some of Hollywood's best, complete with cheesy introductions:

Most Over-Hyped Actor in a Box Office Bomb

Sometimes actors get too big, they’re are on too many magazine covers, they’re the subject of too many entertainment news segments, and we get so tired of seeing their spa-treated faces everywhere that we secretly hope and yearn for them to be taken down a peg. That’s why when an actor on this level of exposure is in a movie that absolutely tanks at the box office we feel a sense of joy and relief, an emotional response we could never get from the film itself.
We would like to recognize these actors who have brought a moment of joy into our sad, pathetic lives, and that’s why it gives me great pleasure to present the award for Most Over-Hyped Actor in a Box Office Bomb.

The nominees are:

Ben Affleck in Jersey Girl
Jude Law in Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (cost 70 mil, took in 37 mil)
Collin Ferrell in Alexander (cost 155/took in 35 domestic)
Brad Pitt in Troy (cost 150/took in 133 domestic)
Billy Bob Thornton in The Alamo (cost 92/took in 22 domestic)

And the Oskar goes to: (and by the way, does anyone even remember they released a film called "The Alamo" last year?)

Colin Farrell in Alexander.

The Blair Witch Award for Best Pretend Grass Roots Marketing

The fusion of Douglas Rushkoff's concept of the media virus and the communication revolution of the internet have ushered in a new era of marketing and advertising, especially for the movie industry. No longer is it enough to buy ad space and invite Entertainment Weekly to the premiere. Movie marketers must generate word of mouth on internet sites, in chat rooms, and niche publications from PC Modder to Cat Fancy.

A movie's financial success depends on this grass roots marketing being properly faked. To recognize these efforts, we will present the Blair Witch Award for Best Pretend Grass Roots Marketing.

The nominees are:

Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism
Farenheit 911
Open Water
starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah (you should see some of the fake posts they put up on bbs, still didn't work though)
Broken Lizard's Club Dread (this group's biggest accomplishment before Super Troopers was headling the Duplex, a piano bar in the village, yet they assemble money to make films. Good work!)

And the Oskar goes to:

Open Water, a movie that proves the old show business addage: You Need a Gimmick!

Best Porn Title Parody of an Actual Film

The world of pornography and the world of mainstream movies rarely cross over. But when they do, that grey area between Hollywood and the San Fernando Valley fills with awkward stares, blushing cheeks, and stifled giggles. Nowhere is this more evident than when the title of a pornographic film is inspired by a film from Hollywood. Now the award for Best Porn Title Parody of an Actual Film.

First of all, there were many honorable mentions, including: Rodzilla, the Original Japanese Version, The Sperminal, A Day Without a Mexican Prostitute, The Whole Ten Inches, The Lady Skewers, Shaolin Soccer Moms I’d Like To F#$&, and Along Came Polly.

The nominees are:

The In-Bedibles
Hotel I Want Ya
(I think that’s a German film)
The Chronicles of Red Dick
And Supersize Meat

And the Oskar goes to:

Supersize Meat


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