Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A ringing in my ears

Today as I was coming out of the post office, the pay phone in the lobby started to ring. First of all, I forgot that there were things called payphones and it’s been a long time since I heard a phone ring with an actual ring, like from an actual bell, instead of someone's favorite Black Eyed Peas song.

My instincts told me to keep walking because touching an NYC public payphone is something that voids my Blue Cross coverage. But then I thought, what if it’s Morpheus? What if he has information vital to my conquering of the matrix?

It was the morning, I was groggy as I walked through Manhattan so the idea that the call was intended to free me from a world of malevolent creation seemed plausible. But I soon came to my senses. It couldn’t have been Morpheus.

It was probably Tank.

See, Morpheus would be in the matrix with me, trying to help me bring it down from the inside. Tank would be back at the Nebuchadnezzar monitoring our progress and plotting our course back to the real world.

So sorry Tank for not taking your call. Try my cell or hit me up on IM and I'll try to get back to you.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Previously on 24... You got drunk and passed out for 2 hours

Then you woke up for an hour. Then you passed out again for the next 9.

At least that's what I think happened. Either that or Fox TV just ruined my summer.

I got into 24 halfway through the season this year, and since Fox has been rebroadcasting 2 episodes each Friday night over the summer I've been been using my DVR to catch up on the beginning of the season.

At least that was the theory, anyway. Tonight it was time to watch the second of the two episodes that were broadcast on July 7th. I watched the first one last week and this is the first chance I've gotten to see the next. They went through the "Previously on 24" bit and I didn't recognize anything.

I thought, "did I come home loaded one night this weekend and watch then erase a bunch of episodes?"

I checked the dates on the DVR, and then the hours of each episode and sure enough Fox skipped from the 1-2pm show at 8 to the 4-5 pm show at 9. To make matters worse, the first episode on July 14th was the 3-4am show, skipping over 10 episodes! Now we're caught up to the part of the season I've seen already and I still don't know who that bald asshole with the bluetooth headset is.

I haven't been this confused by my DVR since it taped old Battlestar Gallactica instead of new Battlestar Gallactica.

cut to me on the couch with my remote control.

"Wow, Starbuck is looking pretty butch. And Adama went grey faster than Bob Barker."

Cut to the set of the Price is Right. Bob Barker is on stage with jet black hair.

Bob Barker: "And the actual retail price is..."

A bell goes 'ding' and Bob's hair turns white.

Bob Barker: "Seven hundred and fifty dollars!"

Cut to the Family Guy's writer's room

Writers: "Quit stealing our bit!"

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Chappelle's Show Lost Episodes

I have to take issue with Comedy Central’s promotional campaign of the return of Chappelle’s Show, to wit, their ads calling these new episodes the “lost” episodes.

When exactly were these episodes lost? Last I heard the third season shut down because Chappelle had a bad reaction to 50 million dollars and ran off to Africa, not because the tapes were lost.

I suppose that during the shuffle of canceling the show and trying to salvage as many episodes as they could out of what had already been shot, someone could have also misplaced the episodes; but to imply that the main reason episodes are only now being broadcast is because they were lost is just a little disingenuous. But I guess to call them the “lost” episodes is better than “the Dave freaked out and ran to Africa” episodes, so what are you gonna do?

And while I’m criticizing the only cable channel that’s ever deemed me worthy of broadcast, I must also impugn the Mind of Mencia promotion that claims “everyone’s going down” because Carlos uses an extensive range of racial and ethnic stereotypes in his act.

Excuse me, 'we’re going down?' The most generic and ham-fisted jokes about demographic tendencies are going to somehow bring us down?

“Look out! He’s got a knock-knock joke! The G-8 summit is about to be thrown into chaos!” It's going to take more than a German/Honduran named Ned screaming into a microphone to bring me down.

But I still love Comedy Central with all of my heart and I think it's the best channel on my basic cable system! And I know that they are wise and good and just and will soon realize that producing my half-hour stand-up special would be a brilliant move both artistically and financially. I have over 30 friends on myspace!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Party on a Boat!

I've had friends who have done gigs on cruise ships, playing to crowds full of senior citizens as they spend their retirement floating around the Caribbean, and people tell me I should try to land such a gig, but I don't think any of them have ever played in the lower deck of a salvaged light ship.

Last Tuesday I played a book release party and had the fun, yet arduous task, of being the first performer in a hot, humid, crowded, windowless room of people who were there for a party and not a show. Sounds horrible but it turned out to be a lot of fun. Once they started pointing the lights towards the stage allowing the audience to actually see me (third song) the set really started to take off.

I actually closed with my Pachelbel bit, which is something I don't often do in NYC due to time constraints, but I'm glad I did. It went over really well and a few people even recognized it from the Dr. Demento Show. Pretty cool.

And the boat didn't sink again either so I'd say the event was a success. I grabbed some decent footage of the event so look for it in an upcoming episode of Life as a Comic!